Life is a funny thing. It is not amusing as such but it is rather odd how a human being can choose how to live their life. We choose our future at such a young age that sometimes we are still naive and make completely the wrong decision. Sometimes we are still unsure and go further into our education so as to bide us a few more years in the hope that an idea will smack us in the face like no other. Yet occasionally, there is that person. The person who seems to have it all figured out already; the same person with the 2012 diary already filled to the brim with dates and deadlines. This is the person who creates envy in people who did not know they could feel such an emotion towards an equal. Define equal and you will find that I do not mean it in a literal sense. This person is only equal through age, nothing else is remotely equal. Even if we have the same interests they are not completely equal. Yes, I like instrumental music and this person may also like such a genre. However, I like piano whereas this person may like acoustic guitar. No-one is the same. This to me is the reason why I am not having a breakdown with regards to my future. This ‘rant’ does however beg the question, am I therefore having a subconscious breakdown? Is this my personal way of dealing with stress? A large part of me is answering this question with a simple yes. I may be thinking just because this person has their life planned out for the next decade, it does not mean that I am no further than a few steps behind. I may be a late bloomer but by no means should that result in my recent lack of organisation. Normally I am such an organised person, I am known for it. Why can I not seem to help myself? My youth is no excuse: life is far too short for excuses.
Friday, 19 August 2011
Monday, 20 June 2011
To figure out one's future...
Oooooooh it's been a while...months in fact! What can I say? I've been a little busy! I thought to myself just a moment ago, as I sit on my bed with my laptop on my knee and every other electric comuncation device to my left, I want to write a blog post. So I am :D
I've had a little moment of realisation; an epiphany if you will. As of 3:30pm on Wednesday 22nd June - I have made no plans for the rest of my life. You may think this scares me but in actual fact what scares me the most is that I don't seem to be scared at all. Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow, everything that has been my life for two years will be over? Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow is literally the end but also the beginning? Why am I not scared that I have no idea what I want to do? I say I want to go to the theatre but have I done anything about it? No.
Why am I not planning things? I'm such a planner, I always think ahead, why not now? I was talking to an old friend, an old boyfriend actually, and he has EVERYTHING planned. He has a job, qualifications, he knows when he is moving. After two years or so at this new, very well paid job, he will move out and get a mortgage. He'll be 20 years old and he will have a mortgae, a stable job, shed loads of money and a bright future. I have no idea where I'll be...why am I not scared?
This confusion doesn't stress me out...it should...something has changed and I don't know what it is...I don't seem to be as uptight, bossy or stressy anymore. I don't seem to worry anymore. I'm so relaxed, I can't understand. I wasn't nervous about my english exam and I wasn't too stressed about revision - I worked at the cafe more than I stayed at home to revise. I'm not stressing about my drama exam - even though it's the day after tomorrow and I'm not really doing much for that revision wise either. This may be because I've never really been the type of person to revise in a really heavy and full on way...
I can't help but think about why there seems to be a lack of worrying and I can't help but not come up with an answer for it. It shall forever remain a mystery.
This moment of epiphany has made me realise that I want to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I know that I don't want to go to university and I respect that my family don't fully approve of this decision but have accepted it. I accept that THEY worry about my future - at least somebody does - and I respect that they are trying to push me to sort something, anything, out.
I know that my passion is drama and the theatre - but is it? I love acting, but I don't know any theatres in my area and I don't know infamous actor's and actress's names - surely someone who is truly passionate about the theatre would have researched all of this within days of arriving in a new environment, joined a theatre group and put herself on the map! Why haven't I joined a drama group? Is it because I've been "focusing on college and a job to earn money"? or is that just an excuse? I'm stuck and I don't know if the reason why I haven't become unstuck is because I can't...or I won't.
That's it. I'm researching my past; I'm analysing my present; I'm going to figure out my future.
Deary me, I need a cup of tea.
I've had a little moment of realisation; an epiphany if you will. As of 3:30pm on Wednesday 22nd June - I have made no plans for the rest of my life. You may think this scares me but in actual fact what scares me the most is that I don't seem to be scared at all. Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow, everything that has been my life for two years will be over? Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow is literally the end but also the beginning? Why am I not scared that I have no idea what I want to do? I say I want to go to the theatre but have I done anything about it? No.
Why am I not planning things? I'm such a planner, I always think ahead, why not now? I was talking to an old friend, an old boyfriend actually, and he has EVERYTHING planned. He has a job, qualifications, he knows when he is moving. After two years or so at this new, very well paid job, he will move out and get a mortgage. He'll be 20 years old and he will have a mortgae, a stable job, shed loads of money and a bright future. I have no idea where I'll be...why am I not scared?
This confusion doesn't stress me out...it should...something has changed and I don't know what it is...I don't seem to be as uptight, bossy or stressy anymore. I don't seem to worry anymore. I'm so relaxed, I can't understand. I wasn't nervous about my english exam and I wasn't too stressed about revision - I worked at the cafe more than I stayed at home to revise. I'm not stressing about my drama exam - even though it's the day after tomorrow and I'm not really doing much for that revision wise either. This may be because I've never really been the type of person to revise in a really heavy and full on way...
I can't help but think about why there seems to be a lack of worrying and I can't help but not come up with an answer for it. It shall forever remain a mystery.
This moment of epiphany has made me realise that I want to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I know that I don't want to go to university and I respect that my family don't fully approve of this decision but have accepted it. I accept that THEY worry about my future - at least somebody does - and I respect that they are trying to push me to sort something, anything, out.
I know that my passion is drama and the theatre - but is it? I love acting, but I don't know any theatres in my area and I don't know infamous actor's and actress's names - surely someone who is truly passionate about the theatre would have researched all of this within days of arriving in a new environment, joined a theatre group and put herself on the map! Why haven't I joined a drama group? Is it because I've been "focusing on college and a job to earn money"? or is that just an excuse? I'm stuck and I don't know if the reason why I haven't become unstuck is because I can't...or I won't.
That's it. I'm researching my past; I'm analysing my present; I'm going to figure out my future.
Deary me, I need a cup of tea.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Life's lyrics and randoms...
Man I love music! I'm listening to a song and the first two lines are the most utterly lovely lines ever,
"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,
I'll sail the world to find you.
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,
I'll be the light to guide you."
- Count on me, Bruno Mars -
I really don't know what I'd do without music. It's in my life on a daily basis and fills many hours with a background that isn't silence. When I'm physically alone I don't feel it because my earphones are filling my head with music and I'm singing along (unless in a public place - although sometimes in a public place! xD) But when I don't have music in the background, the feeling of loneliness overrides me and the feeling is emphasized.
Have you ever been home alone with your ipod blaring music into your ears where you've had the undescribable urge to just stand up, walk out of your bedroom, start the song again and just DANCE all around your house? I have :) (and I know you have...)
M - many hours of my day are filled with the joy of music.
U - under the influence of music, I become uncontrollable.
S - so much electricity goes into my ipod but it creates new electricity ;)
I - influential. Music is influential.
C - crazy!
Music is the one and only thing that is in my life every single day. I remember my first ipod, a little shuffle it was. Courtesy of my grandad one christmas three or four years ago. At first I was ungrateful because I didn't understand what it was. I was still in Mp3 times my friend, what wonderful and simple times. Of course, my first experience with portable music was with my walkman, hell yea, then I moved up to a portable CD player before my Mp3. Then apples decided to create electronic devices and they instantly became famous! I like apple, ironically I like the music on their advert - it's lush!
I also like apples. Particularly red ones . I don't like green ones because they're too sour - bleurgh. Not nom...bleurgh. Off topic...erm...oh yes, apples. Apples have instantly become famous with regards to musical appliances (if you will:P). That pink lady needs to slow down or Granny Smith is going to crumble (apple crumble) under the pressure of creating new toys for the rich. That's another thing, these gadgests are getting more and more expensive by the minute. Maybe I should scrap the expensive ipod and just eat an apple whilst listening to the radio - that's free. I can pick an apple from a tree and create my own music with my wonderful christmas present thanks to Molly. Then I can use Becky's present and put chocolate from Charlotte's present (santa, because I ate rudolph) in the little bucket as a treat when I'm done. Then I can write the name of a new song and lyrics etc on my present from Zoe. Fabulous.
This is completely and utterly the most random post ever but I'm slightly bored and I'm listening to my ipod, nobody is home yet, infact they will be on buses and so forth at this moment in time. At this point in the day I am normally nearly home but not on a wednesday, oh no. Wednesday is a wonderfully pointless day situated in the centre of the week to give me a little breather. Aaaaahhhhhhh (deep breath). That reminds me, I want a cup of tea :)
The inner child in me has escaped! RAWR! That reminds me of Molly...rawr...you lion you ;) Even though Becky is actually the lion here but I care not! It reminds me of Molly and that is that ;) Simple as lettuce.
I have decided that I am going to email some people ;) So this means farewell my little sprogs. Farewell.
xx
"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,
I'll sail the world to find you.
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,
I'll be the light to guide you."
- Count on me, Bruno Mars -
I really don't know what I'd do without music. It's in my life on a daily basis and fills many hours with a background that isn't silence. When I'm physically alone I don't feel it because my earphones are filling my head with music and I'm singing along (unless in a public place - although sometimes in a public place! xD) But when I don't have music in the background, the feeling of loneliness overrides me and the feeling is emphasized.
Have you ever been home alone with your ipod blaring music into your ears where you've had the undescribable urge to just stand up, walk out of your bedroom, start the song again and just DANCE all around your house? I have :) (and I know you have...)
M - many hours of my day are filled with the joy of music.
U - under the influence of music, I become uncontrollable.
S - so much electricity goes into my ipod but it creates new electricity ;)
I - influential. Music is influential.
C - crazy!
Music is the one and only thing that is in my life every single day. I remember my first ipod, a little shuffle it was. Courtesy of my grandad one christmas three or four years ago. At first I was ungrateful because I didn't understand what it was. I was still in Mp3 times my friend, what wonderful and simple times. Of course, my first experience with portable music was with my walkman, hell yea, then I moved up to a portable CD player before my Mp3. Then apples decided to create electronic devices and they instantly became famous! I like apple, ironically I like the music on their advert - it's lush!
I also like apples. Particularly red ones . I don't like green ones because they're too sour - bleurgh. Not nom...bleurgh. Off topic...erm...oh yes, apples. Apples have instantly become famous with regards to musical appliances (if you will:P). That pink lady needs to slow down or Granny Smith is going to crumble (apple crumble) under the pressure of creating new toys for the rich. That's another thing, these gadgests are getting more and more expensive by the minute. Maybe I should scrap the expensive ipod and just eat an apple whilst listening to the radio - that's free. I can pick an apple from a tree and create my own music with my wonderful christmas present thanks to Molly. Then I can use Becky's present and put chocolate from Charlotte's present (santa, because I ate rudolph) in the little bucket as a treat when I'm done. Then I can write the name of a new song and lyrics etc on my present from Zoe. Fabulous.
This is completely and utterly the most random post ever but I'm slightly bored and I'm listening to my ipod, nobody is home yet, infact they will be on buses and so forth at this moment in time. At this point in the day I am normally nearly home but not on a wednesday, oh no. Wednesday is a wonderfully pointless day situated in the centre of the week to give me a little breather. Aaaaahhhhhhh (deep breath). That reminds me, I want a cup of tea :)
The inner child in me has escaped! RAWR! That reminds me of Molly...rawr...you lion you ;) Even though Becky is actually the lion here but I care not! It reminds me of Molly and that is that ;) Simple as lettuce.
I have decided that I am going to email some people ;) So this means farewell my little sprogs. Farewell.
xx
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