Definitions.

I'm pondering on my current situation.

What does ponder actually mean? The dictionary definition is "to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate." Well I'm not meditating that's for sure, I don't think I could with all this racket in my house. It's funny how when everyone is home, the tv is blaring and the music is playing that with all this commotion...all you want is peace. Then when everyone is out and you're all alone and it's just silence, the only light in your house that's on is your light and the only sound in your breathing then all you want is for someone to be home too. What is the definition of quiet? "Making no noise or sound, no disturbing noise." I don't know why but I've recently found a new love for finding out what different words mean. Maybe it's my re-discovery of my little blue book. Or maybe it's all the time I'm spending with Molly lately. You really are a very interesting little bee Molly. You're full of knowledge that dazzles me on a daily basis, you teach me new words but you don't make me feel stupid for not knowing in the first place - I do love you :)

Love... there are many connotations of this word. You can love something which basically means you like it alot; more than you'd like something else. I like twiglets(recently for no reason) but I love chocolate. You can love someone too but there are three different ways in which you can love someone.

• You can love someone because they are the best friend you could ever hope to have and if they weren't your friend then you'd feel lost and alone.
• You can love someone because they're a member of your family and you don't know what you'd do if they weren't here to talk to or hug when you need it. 
• If you truly love a person, I think it means that you will never be able to imagine your life without them and when you are apart you ache inside, you don't feel whole until they're back in your world.

I've recently read "Dear John" - it made me feel happy and, you know when you read and you imagine yourself in that situation? Well I imagined what it would be like if I were Savannah, if I fell head over heals in love after just a couple of days. I imagined what it would be like to feel that passion, that safety, that aching when he wasn't there. I now officially have four writers on my list of "The best writers of my life so far",

• Roahl Dahl.
• Marian Keyes.
• Khaled Hosseini.
• Nicholas Sparks.

Roahl Dahl was practically my childhood, I absolutely loved "James and the giant peach" and "The Twits"- Oh that glass eye! xD I remember when I was younger, my grandma loves golf and as her first grand child and only grand daughter (I am therefore her favourite - obviously) she wanted me to get into golf. So on a saturday morning I would go to the kid's golf club and learn to play golf. I loved it at first because I could do it, boy did I whack that ball! Then I realised that I was looking forward to reading afterwards rather than golf because when my hour session had ended, I could go and wait for my grandma in the cafe and read my Roahl Dahl book at the time. (Whilst eating a hot crossed bun and drinking my hot chocolate (for which she'd give me 50p for the machine). NOM.) Every weekend this was the case - I'm a sucker for routine! As my friends know :D

I definately love Nicholas Sparks though - he's fan dabby dosy!

I love him, but only because I like him more than other writers. Each of the writers on my list have different styles of writing, but you know what they say,

"Variety is the spice of life!"

"My name is five spice. I am not one spice, I am five spice! I am five times better than all of you! I have been used in recipes for thousands of years!"

Michael Mcintyre is a complete and utter genius!

I should probably leave before I rant about Michael Mcintyre. I may bore some people until they collapse and die as a result and I wouldn't want that on my conscience. However, I have just had a very...brainy brainwave and I feel like I need to share it. Would you like to hear it? My brainy brainwave is as follows: I've only just realised the reason why my friends refer to Christina as Xtina. I didn't think it made any sense because...well...just why? Until I noticed that instead of Christmas, we call is Xmas. X stands for Chris. I feel slightly ashamed by my blindness, but there you go.

Happy Christmas!

:D

Life is like a book...

In my opinion life is pretty much like a book. There are numerous different chapters in this book; chapters which you find completely and utterly boring, chapters that you find thrilling and impossible to stop reading, chapters that are filled with love and happiness, whether it be with friends or with someone you love and with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life with. Even though there are numerous chapters like this, there will always be the chapters filled with sorrow and depression. These are what I call the "dark chapters in life". No one likes these chapters and if they could they'd skip them all together...but they can't.

Chapters chapters chapters... Why can't life just be one long chapterless book you ask? Why can't we just have a life filled with everything we've ever wanted? Well I have a question for you - do you want a different life? Is your life really that bad...I mean come on let's think about it for a second...If you think about everyone else on this planet, think about the poor people, the starving people, the famous people, the rich people, the tall people, the short people, the fat people, the skinny people, the artistic people, the intellectual people...the list is endless. Could you really imagine yourself any different? If you do, do you want to be different? Yes we're different, yes we're unique but I honestly wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm not the only one and I know it because I'm surrounded by people like this every day. For instance, on our weekly tuesday visit to bloc, we were talking about how different we are and how weird has so many negative connotations - we're not weird, we're individual and we're loved because of it. If everyone were the same then the world would be a very dull place indeed. My life is fab! I have a home, a bed, a daily supply of food and water, an education, a family who loves me and a group of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. Yeah I've had personal battles that no one else knows about but who hasn't? The majority of chapters that have made my life so far have been phenomenal and I would not trade them for anybody else's.

I recently got told what grades I'm achieving, two B's and a C. I'm not happy with this and I've decided that from THIS moment on I am going to work my ass off until the "A Level chapter" which is approximately 730 pages (days) long, is over. After all, it's only two years of my life. What is two poxy years...Seriously...If I can't achieve what I want now then when will I ever achieve what I want? So I'll have to write essays and paint canvases and read books but I took these subjects, I voluntarily chose to attend college and study these subjects so why don't I try my hardest? Well I am now, that is a promise to myself and this is typed up proof that I am going to work at the highest academic level possible for me as a person. This book is nearly 6,570 pages in and there's no sign of a conclusion yet - thank goodness! There are so many things I haven't done, I haven't climbed mount everest, I haven't sky dived, I haven't tried frog legs or a snail. Who would want to? I don't really but you know what I don't want even more...is to die without even knowing what it's like to do all those things and more.


Things to do before I die (not in order);

1. Climb mount everest.
2. Sky dive.
3. Eat a frogs leg and a snail (in France, don't just go to the garden).
4. Raise a child.
5. Become what I want to be, an actress.
6. Do something for charity like climbing mount everest.
7. Dye my hair a different colour - just to see...
8. Find my bullies and thank them for making me a stronger person.

That's just the beginning of my list, there is so much more that I want to do with my life but some things are just spare of the moment you know...

My past is just that, the past.
My present is happening now and I'm having the time of my life!
My future is undecided and unpredictable but I know one thing for sure, my future, is my own.

The good old christmas shop!

So, I'm sat here at my laptop searching numerous websites for numerous presents for numerous people. It's not until now that you realise how many people you know and love. In total I have presents to buy for;
Molly
Becky
Charlotte
Zoe
Jacquelyn
Christina
Hollie

Not to mention my family,

Mum
Dad
Dylan
Daniel
Dad
Karen
Paige
Chelsie
Grandad
Tricia
Grandma
Malcolm
Tracy
Toby
Will
Jamie

"CRIKEY!"

So much for saving... Oh deary me! I better get thinking about all of this because that's 23 presents, 23 separate presents!

Atleast I've bought something for;

Dylan
Charlotte
And a few others depending on who I decide to give it to - good old online shopping, what would  I do without you? Answer: be much much richer ;)

There is definately a theme for presents this year but I won't say what it is yet ;) I'm sure they'll all realise and laugh at me :D Nothing new there then...I've just had another brainwave...CHRISTMAS CARDS!

"SAVE ME NOW!"

The uncertain future that is my life.

I'm sat here staring at my computer and wondering where on earth do I start my life? How can I get what I want out of my life? I know what I want this is the problem, I know! But I can't seem to figure out how...how the heck do I become an actress? Is the path I have chosen the right path? Will having a gap year be beneficial? How how how?!

I was sitting in the car with my mum after she lovingly picked me up from college, when she decided to basically scare me - well she succeeded because I'm now "sat here staring at my computer and wondering where on earth do I start my life?" I want to be an actress. I had it all planned! I was going to finish college then take a gap year and earn money whilst gaining experience before going to a drama school - RADA, like Gemma Arterton. I don't have the funds to pay for RADA and I sure as hell can't wait to go...maybe a scholorship is the right path?

A scholorship may be the right path - but will I qualify? My parents aren't particularly poor but we're definately not rich. I don't think I can imagine my life without drama in it, it seems like a foreign territory - something I'm not quite sure I'd like to venture into.

Curse my mother! xD She's made me think about all of this, we've established that I think a lot and sure enough, here I am thinking about my future. When I finish college, I want to jump straight into the professional theatrical world and just hope my head stays in tact - I'd rather it wasn't bitten off to be frank. I know that I could be a fantastic actress because I have always been the artistic member of the family and I'm the only one who is. Art and Drama create the tiny speck in the universe that is "my life", without them I would be a very dull human being. I've always been the loud one - voice projection ;) - even from a young age I've been able to shout at my parents from one end of a field and they've been able to hear me from the other. It's not just a passion in my life but it's the passion that makes my life what it is - a big fat drama! Ironic isn't it... I suppose all I have to do is repeat that to myself enough times and I may end up being an actress. No. I will be an actress because that's what I want to do, that's what I'm good at and that's therefore what my future is going to entail.

My plan:

• Finish my A levels to the best of my abilities.
• Get a flippin job! Money doesn't grow on trees contray to my beliefs.

Take a gap year, in which I will:

• Get auditions and acting jobs and save the money.
• Attempt to win a scholorship to RADA.

UNLESS!

• I could try for a scholorship now so I wouldn't have to wait a year - but they'll want experienced students...yes, a year of getting experience seems like the way forward to me! :D

Become a successful actress. If Gemma Arterton can do it then so can I.



Simple...ok not particularly simple, but if everything goes to plan then of course it's simple. I want this, so I'll get it because I can. I am a prime example of someone who is socially quiet and therefore whose talents go unnoticed by her fellow humans! Well, not me. I'm going to be somebody so I'll tell you this once,

Watch this space.

Is there such a thing as too much thought?

Right,

I see this as some kind of diary for thought, but a thought process that people can read and comment on with their own thoughts, a little too much thinking?

All I do is think...All day, all night, when I try to stop thinking - all I can do from that moment on is think, dull you might say, I say different. I know that if I didn't have the ability to think so far ahead of time, I would be a very different person.

You see, some people, they just do something without thinking, whereas me, I think so much that I talk myself out of doing something. Sometimes this ruins things - it prevents me from doing something that I love to do, saying something I've been longing to say, try new things I know I might like.

I suppose some of this comes from little confidence, but it mostly comes from the fact that each and every time I think about something, it's me that usually ends up getting hurt - both physically and emotionally, so I just keep it in a bottle. So basically, my life is just one big bottle. Don't get me wrong, it's fine and dandy in here, but sometimes I just feel like I need to pour myself a drink you know?

But this life of mine is different, this feeling is only half of my life. The other half is acting. When I act, all of this thinking just...buggers off. It's fab! It's why I love acting so much, because when I'm acting, it isn't me. If you act, then you understand, if you don't then you can't possibly.

Acting is a release, it's a new world, it's a new and exciting place where I can go to get away from all the thinking because I am someone else. I'm naturally shy, which you may think is rather pointless of me - surely if I want to become an actress then I need to be confident. Well, I have news for you, I'm not confident at first glance, but when I'm comfortable, then I am the most confident person you'll meet. I love to make people laugh, it's what spurs me on when performing!

You're thinking - what is she on about?! You can't be shy and confident...
Well I am...when offstage, it takes a while to become comfortable and confident, when onstage, it's instant, it's natural to be confident. I come alive and I am literally a different person.

The only problem with this is that I think too much about becoming an actress. I think, yea I'm good at this, I can do this, these A's don't come from nowhere...but then I think, this may be, but I might not be that good, people who need to believe in me might not. It's frustrating! It's highly annoying and it's completely unfair! I think about how unstable a career it is, how I don't have the money to pay for such things as drama schools, so yet again, I step back and let the popular people, the rich people, get through instead.

That's the story of my life. I don't get noticed because I'm too...genuine and polite to push myself infront and get those recogniseable parts. I know I have the talent, I'm just not the kind of person to stab someone else in the back for a part, sometimes I think to myself...well why the hell not? What's she got that I don't? I know for a fact that I'm harder working, will put everything into it and deliver...She's do it to me...

You know what, next time this opportunity comes along, I will try and be the one who asks first. Although now I think about it...first come, first serve right? Who am I to contest?

I'm the person who's going to ask first ;)