Life is far too short for excuses.

Life is a funny thing. It is not amusing as such but it is rather odd how a human being can choose how to live their life. We choose our future at such a young age that sometimes we are still naive and make completely the wrong decision. Sometimes we are still unsure and go further into our education so as to bide us a few more years in the hope that an idea will smack us in the face like no other. Yet occasionally, there is that person. The person who seems to have it all figured out already; the same person with the 2012 diary already filled to the brim with dates and deadlines. This is the person who creates envy in people who did not know they could feel such an emotion towards an equal. Define equal and you will find that I do not mean it in a literal sense. This person is only equal through age, nothing else is remotely equal. Even if we have the same interests they are not completely equal. Yes, I like instrumental music and this person may also like such a genre. However, I like piano whereas this person may like acoustic guitar. No-one is the same. This to me is the reason why I am not having a breakdown with regards to my future. This ‘rant’ does however beg the question, am I therefore having a subconscious breakdown? Is this my personal way of dealing with stress? A large part of me is answering this question with a simple yes. I may be thinking just because this person has their life planned out for the next decade, it does not mean that I am no further than a few steps behind. I may be a late bloomer but by no means should that result in my recent lack of organisation. Normally I am such an organised person, I am known for it. Why can I not seem to help myself? My youth is no excuse:  life is far too short for excuses.

To figure out one's future...

Oooooooh it's been a while...months in fact! What can I say? I've been a little busy! I thought to myself just a moment ago, as I sit on my bed with my laptop on my knee and every other electric comuncation device to my left, I want to write a blog post. So I am :D

I've had a little moment of realisation; an epiphany if you will. As of 3:30pm on Wednesday 22nd June - I have made no plans for the rest of my life. You may think this scares me but in actual fact what scares me the most is that I don't seem to be scared at all. Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow, everything that has been my life for two years will be over? Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow is literally the end but also the beginning? Why am I not scared that I have no idea what I want to do? I say I want to go to the theatre but have I done anything about it? No.

Why am I not planning things? I'm such a planner, I always think ahead, why not now? I was talking to an old friend, an old boyfriend actually, and he has EVERYTHING planned. He has a job, qualifications, he knows when he is moving. After two years or so at this new, very well paid job, he will move out and get a mortgage. He'll be 20 years old and he will have a mortgae, a stable job, shed loads of money and a bright future. I have no idea where I'll be...why am I not scared?

This confusion doesn't stress me out...it should...something has changed and I don't know what it is...I don't seem to be as uptight, bossy or stressy anymore. I don't seem to worry anymore. I'm so relaxed, I can't understand. I wasn't nervous about my english exam and I wasn't too stressed about revision - I worked at the cafe more than I stayed at home to revise. I'm not stressing about my drama exam - even though it's the day after tomorrow and I'm not really doing much for that revision wise either. This may be because I've never really been the type of person to revise in a really heavy and full on way...

I can't help but think about why there seems to be a lack of worrying and I can't help but not come up with an answer for it. It shall forever remain a mystery.

This moment of epiphany has made me realise that I want to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I know that I don't want to go to university and I respect that my family don't fully approve of this decision but have accepted it. I accept that THEY worry about my future - at least somebody does - and I respect that they are trying to push me to sort something, anything, out.

I know that my passion is drama and the theatre - but is it? I love acting, but I don't know any theatres in my area and I don't know infamous actor's and actress's names - surely someone who is truly passionate about the theatre would have researched all of this within days of arriving in a new environment, joined a theatre group and put herself on the map! Why haven't I joined a drama group? Is it because I've been "focusing on college and a job to earn money"? or is that just an excuse? I'm stuck and I don't know if the reason why I haven't become unstuck is because I can't...or I won't.

That's it. I'm researching my past; I'm analysing my present; I'm going to figure out my future.

Deary me, I need a cup of tea.

Life's lyrics and randoms...

Man I love music! I'm listening to a song and the first two lines are the most utterly lovely lines ever,

"If you ever find yourself  stuck in the middle of the sea,
I'll sail the world to find you.
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,
I'll be the light to guide you."
 - Count on me, Bruno Mars -

I really don't know what I'd do without music. It's in my life on a daily basis and fills many hours with a background that isn't silence. When I'm physically alone I don't feel it because my earphones are filling my head with music and I'm singing along (unless in a public place - although sometimes in a public place! xD) But when I don't have music in the background, the feeling of loneliness overrides me and the feeling is emphasized.

Have you ever been home alone with your ipod blaring music into your ears where you've had the undescribable urge to just stand up, walk out of your bedroom, start the song again and just DANCE all around your house? I have  :) (and I know you have...)

M - many hours of my day are filled with the joy of music.
U - under the influence of music, I become uncontrollable.
S - so much electricity goes into my ipod but it creates new electricity ;)
I - influential. Music is influential.
C - crazy!

Music is the one and only thing that is in my life every single day. I remember my first ipod, a little shuffle it was. Courtesy of my grandad one christmas three or four years ago. At first I was ungrateful because I didn't understand what it was. I was still in Mp3 times my friend, what wonderful and simple times. Of course, my first experience with portable music was with my walkman, hell yea, then I moved up to a portable CD player before my Mp3. Then apples decided to create electronic devices and they instantly became famous! I like apple, ironically I like the music on their advert - it's lush!

I also like apples. Particularly red ones . I don't like green ones because they're too sour - bleurgh. Not nom...bleurgh. Off topic...erm...oh yes, apples. Apples have instantly become famous with regards to musical appliances (if you will:P). That pink lady needs to slow down or Granny Smith is going to crumble (apple crumble) under the pressure of creating new toys for the rich. That's another thing, these gadgests are getting more and more expensive by the minute. Maybe I should scrap the expensive ipod and just eat an apple whilst listening to the radio - that's free. I can pick an apple from a tree and create my own music with my wonderful christmas present thanks to Molly. Then I can use Becky's present and put chocolate from Charlotte's present (santa, because I ate rudolph) in the little bucket as a treat when I'm done. Then I can write the name of a new song and lyrics etc on my present from Zoe. Fabulous.

This is completely and utterly the most random post ever but I'm slightly bored and I'm listening to my ipod, nobody is home yet, infact they will be on buses and so forth at this moment in time. At this point in the day I am normally nearly home but not on a wednesday, oh no. Wednesday is a wonderfully pointless day situated in the centre of the week to give me a little breather. Aaaaahhhhhhh (deep breath). That reminds me, I want a cup of tea :)

The inner child in me has escaped! RAWR! That reminds me of Molly...rawr...you lion you ;) Even though Becky is actually the lion here but I care not! It reminds me of Molly and that is that ;) Simple as lettuce.

I have decided that I am going to email some people ;) So this means farewell my little sprogs. Farewell.

xx 

Definitions.

I'm pondering on my current situation.

What does ponder actually mean? The dictionary definition is "to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate." Well I'm not meditating that's for sure, I don't think I could with all this racket in my house. It's funny how when everyone is home, the tv is blaring and the music is playing that with all this commotion...all you want is peace. Then when everyone is out and you're all alone and it's just silence, the only light in your house that's on is your light and the only sound in your breathing then all you want is for someone to be home too. What is the definition of quiet? "Making no noise or sound, no disturbing noise." I don't know why but I've recently found a new love for finding out what different words mean. Maybe it's my re-discovery of my little blue book. Or maybe it's all the time I'm spending with Molly lately. You really are a very interesting little bee Molly. You're full of knowledge that dazzles me on a daily basis, you teach me new words but you don't make me feel stupid for not knowing in the first place - I do love you :)

Love... there are many connotations of this word. You can love something which basically means you like it alot; more than you'd like something else. I like twiglets(recently for no reason) but I love chocolate. You can love someone too but there are three different ways in which you can love someone.

• You can love someone because they are the best friend you could ever hope to have and if they weren't your friend then you'd feel lost and alone.
• You can love someone because they're a member of your family and you don't know what you'd do if they weren't here to talk to or hug when you need it. 
• If you truly love a person, I think it means that you will never be able to imagine your life without them and when you are apart you ache inside, you don't feel whole until they're back in your world.

I've recently read "Dear John" - it made me feel happy and, you know when you read and you imagine yourself in that situation? Well I imagined what it would be like if I were Savannah, if I fell head over heals in love after just a couple of days. I imagined what it would be like to feel that passion, that safety, that aching when he wasn't there. I now officially have four writers on my list of "The best writers of my life so far",

• Roahl Dahl.
• Marian Keyes.
• Khaled Hosseini.
• Nicholas Sparks.

Roahl Dahl was practically my childhood, I absolutely loved "James and the giant peach" and "The Twits"- Oh that glass eye! xD I remember when I was younger, my grandma loves golf and as her first grand child and only grand daughter (I am therefore her favourite - obviously) she wanted me to get into golf. So on a saturday morning I would go to the kid's golf club and learn to play golf. I loved it at first because I could do it, boy did I whack that ball! Then I realised that I was looking forward to reading afterwards rather than golf because when my hour session had ended, I could go and wait for my grandma in the cafe and read my Roahl Dahl book at the time. (Whilst eating a hot crossed bun and drinking my hot chocolate (for which she'd give me 50p for the machine). NOM.) Every weekend this was the case - I'm a sucker for routine! As my friends know :D

I definately love Nicholas Sparks though - he's fan dabby dosy!

I love him, but only because I like him more than other writers. Each of the writers on my list have different styles of writing, but you know what they say,

"Variety is the spice of life!"

"My name is five spice. I am not one spice, I am five spice! I am five times better than all of you! I have been used in recipes for thousands of years!"

Michael Mcintyre is a complete and utter genius!

I should probably leave before I rant about Michael Mcintyre. I may bore some people until they collapse and die as a result and I wouldn't want that on my conscience. However, I have just had a very...brainy brainwave and I feel like I need to share it. Would you like to hear it? My brainy brainwave is as follows: I've only just realised the reason why my friends refer to Christina as Xtina. I didn't think it made any sense because...well...just why? Until I noticed that instead of Christmas, we call is Xmas. X stands for Chris. I feel slightly ashamed by my blindness, but there you go.

Happy Christmas!

:D

Life is like a book...

In my opinion life is pretty much like a book. There are numerous different chapters in this book; chapters which you find completely and utterly boring, chapters that you find thrilling and impossible to stop reading, chapters that are filled with love and happiness, whether it be with friends or with someone you love and with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life with. Even though there are numerous chapters like this, there will always be the chapters filled with sorrow and depression. These are what I call the "dark chapters in life". No one likes these chapters and if they could they'd skip them all together...but they can't.

Chapters chapters chapters... Why can't life just be one long chapterless book you ask? Why can't we just have a life filled with everything we've ever wanted? Well I have a question for you - do you want a different life? Is your life really that bad...I mean come on let's think about it for a second...If you think about everyone else on this planet, think about the poor people, the starving people, the famous people, the rich people, the tall people, the short people, the fat people, the skinny people, the artistic people, the intellectual people...the list is endless. Could you really imagine yourself any different? If you do, do you want to be different? Yes we're different, yes we're unique but I honestly wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm not the only one and I know it because I'm surrounded by people like this every day. For instance, on our weekly tuesday visit to bloc, we were talking about how different we are and how weird has so many negative connotations - we're not weird, we're individual and we're loved because of it. If everyone were the same then the world would be a very dull place indeed. My life is fab! I have a home, a bed, a daily supply of food and water, an education, a family who loves me and a group of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. Yeah I've had personal battles that no one else knows about but who hasn't? The majority of chapters that have made my life so far have been phenomenal and I would not trade them for anybody else's.

I recently got told what grades I'm achieving, two B's and a C. I'm not happy with this and I've decided that from THIS moment on I am going to work my ass off until the "A Level chapter" which is approximately 730 pages (days) long, is over. After all, it's only two years of my life. What is two poxy years...Seriously...If I can't achieve what I want now then when will I ever achieve what I want? So I'll have to write essays and paint canvases and read books but I took these subjects, I voluntarily chose to attend college and study these subjects so why don't I try my hardest? Well I am now, that is a promise to myself and this is typed up proof that I am going to work at the highest academic level possible for me as a person. This book is nearly 6,570 pages in and there's no sign of a conclusion yet - thank goodness! There are so many things I haven't done, I haven't climbed mount everest, I haven't sky dived, I haven't tried frog legs or a snail. Who would want to? I don't really but you know what I don't want even more...is to die without even knowing what it's like to do all those things and more.


Things to do before I die (not in order);

1. Climb mount everest.
2. Sky dive.
3. Eat a frogs leg and a snail (in France, don't just go to the garden).
4. Raise a child.
5. Become what I want to be, an actress.
6. Do something for charity like climbing mount everest.
7. Dye my hair a different colour - just to see...
8. Find my bullies and thank them for making me a stronger person.

That's just the beginning of my list, there is so much more that I want to do with my life but some things are just spare of the moment you know...

My past is just that, the past.
My present is happening now and I'm having the time of my life!
My future is undecided and unpredictable but I know one thing for sure, my future, is my own.

The good old christmas shop!

So, I'm sat here at my laptop searching numerous websites for numerous presents for numerous people. It's not until now that you realise how many people you know and love. In total I have presents to buy for;
Molly
Becky
Charlotte
Zoe
Jacquelyn
Christina
Hollie

Not to mention my family,

Mum
Dad
Dylan
Daniel
Dad
Karen
Paige
Chelsie
Grandad
Tricia
Grandma
Malcolm
Tracy
Toby
Will
Jamie

"CRIKEY!"

So much for saving... Oh deary me! I better get thinking about all of this because that's 23 presents, 23 separate presents!

Atleast I've bought something for;

Dylan
Charlotte
And a few others depending on who I decide to give it to - good old online shopping, what would  I do without you? Answer: be much much richer ;)

There is definately a theme for presents this year but I won't say what it is yet ;) I'm sure they'll all realise and laugh at me :D Nothing new there then...I've just had another brainwave...CHRISTMAS CARDS!

"SAVE ME NOW!"

The uncertain future that is my life.

I'm sat here staring at my computer and wondering where on earth do I start my life? How can I get what I want out of my life? I know what I want this is the problem, I know! But I can't seem to figure out how...how the heck do I become an actress? Is the path I have chosen the right path? Will having a gap year be beneficial? How how how?!

I was sitting in the car with my mum after she lovingly picked me up from college, when she decided to basically scare me - well she succeeded because I'm now "sat here staring at my computer and wondering where on earth do I start my life?" I want to be an actress. I had it all planned! I was going to finish college then take a gap year and earn money whilst gaining experience before going to a drama school - RADA, like Gemma Arterton. I don't have the funds to pay for RADA and I sure as hell can't wait to go...maybe a scholorship is the right path?

A scholorship may be the right path - but will I qualify? My parents aren't particularly poor but we're definately not rich. I don't think I can imagine my life without drama in it, it seems like a foreign territory - something I'm not quite sure I'd like to venture into.

Curse my mother! xD She's made me think about all of this, we've established that I think a lot and sure enough, here I am thinking about my future. When I finish college, I want to jump straight into the professional theatrical world and just hope my head stays in tact - I'd rather it wasn't bitten off to be frank. I know that I could be a fantastic actress because I have always been the artistic member of the family and I'm the only one who is. Art and Drama create the tiny speck in the universe that is "my life", without them I would be a very dull human being. I've always been the loud one - voice projection ;) - even from a young age I've been able to shout at my parents from one end of a field and they've been able to hear me from the other. It's not just a passion in my life but it's the passion that makes my life what it is - a big fat drama! Ironic isn't it... I suppose all I have to do is repeat that to myself enough times and I may end up being an actress. No. I will be an actress because that's what I want to do, that's what I'm good at and that's therefore what my future is going to entail.

My plan:

• Finish my A levels to the best of my abilities.
• Get a flippin job! Money doesn't grow on trees contray to my beliefs.

Take a gap year, in which I will:

• Get auditions and acting jobs and save the money.
• Attempt to win a scholorship to RADA.

UNLESS!

• I could try for a scholorship now so I wouldn't have to wait a year - but they'll want experienced students...yes, a year of getting experience seems like the way forward to me! :D

Become a successful actress. If Gemma Arterton can do it then so can I.



Simple...ok not particularly simple, but if everything goes to plan then of course it's simple. I want this, so I'll get it because I can. I am a prime example of someone who is socially quiet and therefore whose talents go unnoticed by her fellow humans! Well, not me. I'm going to be somebody so I'll tell you this once,

Watch this space.