Oooooooh it's been a while...months in fact! What can I say? I've been a little busy! I thought to myself just a moment ago, as I sit on my bed with my laptop on my knee and every other electric comuncation device to my left, I want to write a blog post. So I am :D
I've had a little moment of realisation; an epiphany if you will. As of 3:30pm on Wednesday 22nd June - I have made no plans for the rest of my life. You may think this scares me but in actual fact what scares me the most is that I don't seem to be scared at all. Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow, everything that has been my life for two years will be over? Why am I not scared that the day after tomorrow is literally the end but also the beginning? Why am I not scared that I have no idea what I want to do? I say I want to go to the theatre but have I done anything about it? No.
Why am I not planning things? I'm such a planner, I always think ahead, why not now? I was talking to an old friend, an old boyfriend actually, and he has EVERYTHING planned. He has a job, qualifications, he knows when he is moving. After two years or so at this new, very well paid job, he will move out and get a mortgage. He'll be 20 years old and he will have a mortgae, a stable job, shed loads of money and a bright future. I have no idea where I'll be...why am I not scared?
This confusion doesn't stress me out...it should...something has changed and I don't know what it is...I don't seem to be as uptight, bossy or stressy anymore. I don't seem to worry anymore. I'm so relaxed, I can't understand. I wasn't nervous about my english exam and I wasn't too stressed about revision - I worked at the cafe more than I stayed at home to revise. I'm not stressing about my drama exam - even though it's the day after tomorrow and I'm not really doing much for that revision wise either. This may be because I've never really been the type of person to revise in a really heavy and full on way...
I can't help but think about why there seems to be a lack of worrying and I can't help but not come up with an answer for it. It shall forever remain a mystery.
This moment of epiphany has made me realise that I want to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I know that I don't want to go to university and I respect that my family don't fully approve of this decision but have accepted it. I accept that THEY worry about my future - at least somebody does - and I respect that they are trying to push me to sort something, anything, out.
I know that my passion is drama and the theatre - but is it? I love acting, but I don't know any theatres in my area and I don't know infamous actor's and actress's names - surely someone who is truly passionate about the theatre would have researched all of this within days of arriving in a new environment, joined a theatre group and put herself on the map! Why haven't I joined a drama group? Is it because I've been "focusing on college and a job to earn money"? or is that just an excuse? I'm stuck and I don't know if the reason why I haven't become unstuck is because I can't...or I won't.
That's it. I'm researching my past; I'm analysing my present; I'm going to figure out my future.
Deary me, I need a cup of tea.
