Right,
I see this as some kind of diary for thought, but a thought process that people can read and comment on with their own thoughts, a little too much thinking?
All I do is think...All day, all night, when I try to stop thinking - all I can do from that moment on is think, dull you might say, I say different. I know that if I didn't have the ability to think so far ahead of time, I would be a very different person.
You see, some people, they just do something without thinking, whereas me, I think so much that I talk myself out of doing something. Sometimes this ruins things - it prevents me from doing something that I love to do, saying something I've been longing to say, try new things I know I might like.
I suppose some of this comes from little confidence, but it mostly comes from the fact that each and every time I think about something, it's me that usually ends up getting hurt - both physically and emotionally, so I just keep it in a bottle. So basically, my life is just one big bottle. Don't get me wrong, it's fine and dandy in here, but sometimes I just feel like I need to pour myself a drink you know?
But this life of mine is different, this feeling is only half of my life. The other half is acting. When I act, all of this thinking just...buggers off. It's fab! It's why I love acting so much, because when I'm acting, it isn't me. If you act, then you understand, if you don't then you can't possibly.
Acting is a release, it's a new world, it's a new and exciting place where I can go to get away from all the thinking because I am someone else. I'm naturally shy, which you may think is rather pointless of me - surely if I want to become an actress then I need to be confident. Well, I have news for you, I'm not confident at first glance, but when I'm comfortable, then I am the most confident person you'll meet. I love to make people laugh, it's what spurs me on when performing!
You're thinking - what is she on about?! You can't be shy and confident...
Well I am...when offstage, it takes a while to become comfortable and confident, when onstage, it's instant, it's natural to be confident. I come alive and I am literally a different person.
The only problem with this is that I think too much about becoming an actress. I think, yea I'm good at this, I can do this, these A's don't come from nowhere...but then I think, this may be, but I might not be that good, people who need to believe in me might not. It's frustrating! It's highly annoying and it's completely unfair! I think about how unstable a career it is, how I don't have the money to pay for such things as drama schools, so yet again, I step back and let the popular people, the rich people, get through instead.
That's the story of my life. I don't get noticed because I'm too...genuine and polite to push myself infront and get those recogniseable parts. I know I have the talent, I'm just not the kind of person to stab someone else in the back for a part, sometimes I think to myself...well why the hell not? What's she got that I don't? I know for a fact that I'm harder working, will put everything into it and deliver...She's do it to me...
You know what, next time this opportunity comes along, I will try and be the one who asks first. Although now I think about it...first come, first serve right? Who am I to contest?
I'm the person who's going to ask first ;)
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